Dumb SAW
by Neo Namco
Summary: Parody of the first 'Saw' film.
1. It Was A Good Run

**LGF**

**Lions Grate Fics**

**Stupid Stories**

production

Stupid Stories presents

a tale of horror and comedy

A fic by Neo Namco

A key chain glowing bright blue with a key attached floats over the face of a motionless man with his eyes closed beneath the water.

**Dumb SAW**

The key eventually floats to the end of the tub and gets sucked down the drain, followed by the man's foot, blocking the drain so no more water can escape.

A light comes on, followed by another, and another. It's revealed to be a very dirty and old looking bathroom, much bigger than any bathroom you might have seen in your life. A man in his early twenties wearing no shoes or socks, blue jeans, and a blue shirt shields his eyes, as they adjust to the light. He looks into the bathtub to see a motionless man. "Ahh! Brother!" he rushes to the aid of his sibling, he can't go far because his left leg is shackled to a pipe. "Dumbon? Can you hear me?"

"He can't hear you." another man who appears to be in his early forties says, from across the room, also chained to a pipe. He too wore blue jeans with a white lab coat.

"How do you know?"

"Because he's under water."

"I guess." he shrugged his shoulders and lifted his brother's face up out of the water. "He's dead." he dropped his head with a splash coming from his head hitting the water and the bottom of the tub.

"How do you know?" the other man asked.

"He's not moving."

"So?"

"He's been under water for along time. Of course he's dead."

"Well if you looked to see if he was alive earlier like I said, he might have had a chance."

"Eh, what are you gonna do?" he crossed his arms and sat down against the bath tub.

Then he noticed the dead body in the center of the floor, along with the other man seeing this for the first time. The camera does a 360 around his gun shot to the head-body. Zooming in, wee see he holds a tape player in his right hand, and in his left a gun.

"Ahh!" the man in blue screamed and threw up a couple super balls "That's why i had trouble breathing." he gasped for relief of air. Then he turned his attention to the chain locking him to the pipe. "Ahh!" he pulled and pulled at it, but nothing doing. "What the fuck is this? Where am I?!"

"Just, just calm down all right." the other man said "Are you hurt?"

"Yeah but it's nothing that a bandage can't fix." he looked through is pockets but couldn't find it "Oh my god. Nooooo!" a 360 camera view is done around his body.

"Well what's your name?"

"My name?" the guy in blue asked "My name is very fucking Bryan Anderson. What's your name? What's going on here?"

"My name is Gordon Pox. I'm a doctor. I woke up here just like you." Gordon explained.

"That doesn't answer my question. What's going on here?" Bryan asked, squinting at his room mate.

"I dont know..." Gordon looked at the body lying on the middle of the floor "You recognize that man?"

"No." Bryan answered while trying to bite his chain off.

"Do you have any idea how you got here?"

"No." Bryan stopped karate chopping the chain and looked at Gordon. "I went to bed with two hot chicks, and woke up in this shit hole...unfortunately those two hot chicks were my cousins so I couldn't do any thing about it."

"As for me I don't know how I got here either. I was on my way home from-"

"I didn't ask." Bryan interrupted him

"Oh. Sorry."

Bryan looked from his chain to the body centered in the room. "I've never seen two dead bodies in the same room before. A couple times I've seen one dead body in a room. That's about it."

"All right, Bryan. We need to start thinking about why we're here. Who ever brought us here could have killed us already, but they didn't. Perhaps they want something from us." Gordon pondered, and then noticed a clock on the wall to his right. "Hey look at that clock."

"Westclox. Nice brand." Bryan nodded and smiled.

"No the brand isn't what's important. It's brand new. Which means someone wants us to know the time." Gordon scratched his head.

"Yeah sooo...want some gum?" Bryan asked.

"What flavor?"

"It's Extra polar ice. Same long lasting flavor. Sugar free."

"Sure all right." Gordon nodded.

Bryan stuck his hands in his pockets and felt something. He gasped when he pulled the object out of his pants "My bandages." then he noticed an envelope with the name Amanda on it. "Not mine. It's tempting, but I'll wait for Saw 4." he tossed it into the bathtub, and it sank to the bottom. Then he pulled out another envelope with Bryan on it. He tore it open to find a 'play me' tape.

"Where'd you find that?" Gordon asked

"It was in my pocket, jack ass. Pay attention." Bryan yelled at him.

"Hey. There's no need for profanity...yet."

"Sorry-sorry."

Gordon pulled out an envelope from his pant pocket and opened it up to find his 'play me' tape, a flare, and a key. He took the key and attempted to unlock his chain. "Come on, come on. Work damn you. Work!" he sighed when it did not fit the lock hole.

"Throw it over here, jack...i mean...what was your name again? Gordon? Yeah, throw it over here, Gordon."

Gord tossed the key to him and watched as his room mate tried to unlock him self.

"Fuck! What a waste of time." Bryan threw the key at the wall. Then he saw the tape player in the hand of jig-uh...the dead guy. He started laughing "This guy is so white. He should have gotten a tan while he was still alive."

"What's in his hand? I can't tell from over here."

"A tape player. But that's not the point. This guy is so white he's almost a ghost...maybe he is a ghost." he shivered, and his bottom lip trembled.

"Try and grab it." Gordon told him.

"I can't. It's way the hell over there."

"Use your shirt."

"Use my shirt? For what?" Bryan raised an eye brow.

"Take it off and use it to try and get the player."

"Hell no. you'll see my chest. I dont know you, how do i know your not gay?" Bryan covered his chest by crossing his arms.

"Oh for fuck's sake. Even if I was gay, I'm way over here. I can't touch you." Gordon yelled

"You can still look though. That's just as worse."

"Stop acting like a woman. Just grab the fucking player."

"Shut up-shut up." Bryan covered his hears with his hands. Then he mustered up the courage to take off his shirt. "You owe me five bucks for that." he god down and threw his shirt towards the player again and again, but got nothing. "That was just pointless. Although my muscles and abs got to be exposed." he kissed his biceps.

"There must be something else you can use. Look around. There must be something." Gordon looked everywhere, along with Bryan.

"Oh hey maybe this will work." Bryan pulled out a fishing pole from behind the pipes. He cast the line and on the very first try he got the hook around the loop of the chord to the player.

"All right. Reel it in, baby." Gordon smiled

Bryan reeled it in, and popped his tape inside. "This better be good music."

The tape played, and the voice of their kidnapper spoke: _"Hello, Bryan. You're probably wondering where you are."_

"I'm in an old disgusting bathroom." Bryan answered

"_You might be in the room that you die in."_

"Oh." Bryan's eyes widened

"_Up until now, you simply sat in the shadows, watching others live out their lives. But what do voyeurs see when they look into the mirror?"_

"Them self." Bryan answered

"_Now, I see you as a strange mix of someone angry and yet apathetic. But mostly just pathetic. So are you going to watch yourself die today, Bryan? Or do something about it?..."_

"I don't get it. I can't watch my self die unless there's a mirror. Oh wait, there's a mirror." he points to a big mirror on the side of the wall.

"Throw me the player." Gordon said

"Well...ok." Bryan tossed it to him, but Gordon missed and it fell to the ground and cracked open.

"Oh shit! Oh fuck!...No..." Gordon got on his knees and started to sob "It's all over..."

"Oh well. It was a good run." Bryan crossed his arms and grinned.

To be continued...

No don't worry it's not over yet...so maybe you should worry. But there's plenty more to come, including the second chapter of this Saw parody, my favorite movie ever(SAW). Just remember, this is a parody...PARODY, so don't bash the stupidness(especially since this fic is called 'Dumb Saw') Bash the writing if you must bash something.


	2. The Beginning Of So Many Flashbacks

Chapter 2...

Gordon looked at the pieces of the broken tape player on the tile floor. He felt him self getting ready to cry, but tried to hold it in the best he could. "This can't be happening..."

"Fear not, Gordy. That wasn't the tape player." Bryan reassured him "That was my game boy color. I wanted to test you and see if you could catch. Apparently though you can not."

"Wait..." Gordon had a surprised expression on his face "You still have a game boy color? Those things are so out of date. I have a PSP."

"We're not all rich like you, Mr. Doctor. I don't make much money, jerk!" Bryan glared at his room mate, disgusted and jealous of his wealth. "Now throw me your tape so we can get on with this."

"Fine." Gordon gripped the tape in between his right thumb and index finger, and threw it to the other side of the room, where it slipped through Bryan's hands and fell to the floor.

Bryan picked up the tape and popped it into the player. He pushed play and it...played

"_Dr. Pox, this is your wake up call."_

"Huh? But your already awake." Bryan looked over to Gordon.

"Shut up you fool. This is important." Gord shushed him and we go back to the tape

"_Everyday of your working life, you have given people the news that they are gonna die soon. Now you will be the cause of death. Your aim in this game, is to kill Adam-Bryan. Bryan, sorry. I can't start over cuz I'm short on time at the moment. I'm doing this during a red light. Where was I? Oh right. You have until six on the cock to kill that guy."_

Both Gordon and Bryan looked up at the clock. It was EXACTLY 5 O'clock. "DRAMA!" Bryan exclaimed.

"_There's a man in the room with you. A DEAD man I might add. When you have that much poison in your blood, there will be nothing left to do, but shoot your self."_

Gordon stared at the dead body in the middle of the room. "It's _obvious_ he's dead though. Not sure why he felt the need to emphasize it."

"_There are ways to win this, hidden all around you. Just remember: X...marks the spot for the treasure. If you do not kill Bryan by 6, then Monica and Mackenzie will die, Dr. Pox. And i'll leave you in this room to rot. Let the game begin..."_

"...Give me that." Gordon demanded.

So Bryan did as told and tossed his new friend the player.

After receiving the player, Gordon rewinded and played it again: "_Then Monica and Mackenzie will die, Dr. Pox. And i'll leave you in this room to rot."_

"What the fuck is this?" Bryan asked, looking around the room "Some kind of game?"

"Shh! Listen." Gordon rewinded again and turned up the volume. Apparently there was more on the tape following what they thought was the last line. It was in a hushed tone "_Follow your heart."_

"Follow your heart? LAME!" Bryan rolled his eyes at the lame-ness of the line.

Gordon's eyes searched the room for the meaning, all over the walls, the ceiling, until they came to a small brown heart drawn on the toilet. "Right there on the toilet!"

"Ok. Now what?" Bryan turned from the toilet to Gordon.

"Stick your hand into the toilet and see what's inside."

"...How about you cut off your hand and toss it to me so I can use it to grab whatever it is, huh? HUH?"

"Stop being a baby. Putting your hand into the toilet could mean the difference between life and death." Gordon was getting more impatient as his time spent with this man dragged on. "Do you want to be a hero?"

"Not if I'm not getting paid." Bryan crossed his arms and turned away.

"Quit thinking like an average American and do it!"

Bryan sighed. "Fine." he bent down next to the toilet and hesitated. Then he opened the lid to see a mess inside. "Eww." he slowly stuck his hand into the toilet, and then pulled back before touching liquid. "I'll check the tank first." He stood up, removed the tank lid, and saw a bag inside. "Whew. That was a close one." he pulled the bag out of the tank and opened it. Inside was a card...written on the card was:

'I don't think so. Please check the toilet.'

"Damn it!" Bryan threw the bag away and stuck his hand inside, feeling the nasty liquid mess of waste. He felt something, and pulled out a small laminated piece of paper:

'SIKE! Check behind the toilet.'

"FUCK!" Bryan smacked his head with the palm of his hand...the one he just used to find the card. "Shit!...literally."

Meanwhile Gordon was getting a little tired of waiting. He checked the clock on the wall. It was now 5:08. "Time's a wasting."

"Hey I'm the one with shit on my hands and forehead. So fuck off!" Bryan checked behind the toilet, pulled out the bag and opened it up. Inside he found two old, rusty hack saws. "What the hell are we supposed to do with these?"

"Saw our chains off. Now throw me one." Gordon held his hands out ready to catch, some how he now had a catcher's mit on his left hand. He punched the web of his glove a couple of times with his right fist.

"Here's the pitch. Get ready, it's a slider." Bryan threw him the hack saw, and once Gordon caught the sliding saw, he focused on his chain. Then Bryan looked back inside the bag where the saw's came from. He paused, and then threw it into the bathtub, on top of his dead brother.

Both men went to work, hacking away at their chains, furiously. music played as they did so, to increase the drama.

_Emptiness  
(I feel)Loneliness  
(I feel)Listlessness  
(I feel)Worthless_

Bryan and Gordon hacked and hacked, but barely even scratches were being made.

_I feel it on the inside  
Twisting and contorting  
Memory has shaped me once again  
Still feel you on the inside  
Biting through and stinging  
Will I ever forget to remember?_

In slow motion the men work hard, their faces turning red, sweat pouring down their face, teeth gritted, eyes focused.

_Can you save me?  
From myself  
From these memories  
Can you save me?  
From myself  
From these memories_('Forget To Remember' by Mudvayne)

That's when it happened. Bryan was hacking away when his saw broke, the blade split on the chain. "Dumb saw!" he threw the broken hack saw at the mirror on the wall across from him. A small piece broke off and fell on to the floor, then unexplainabley slid over to where Bryan was.

Gordon watched as Bryan had failed to free himself, while still working on his own chain. He watched Bryan sit down in the corner and bury his face into his knees and bawl. Gordon sighed and turned back to his chain. He continued going, but his pace slowed down and stopped hacking all together.

He then scooted to the wall and sat up against it. His heart was beating fast, as he was exhausted. Then he realized something as he stared at his hack saw. "He doesn't want us to cut through our chains...he wants us to cut through our feet..."

Bryan stopped crying and turned his head to Gordon. "What? How do you know?"

"It says right here on the hack saw." he points to the saw, which indeed does say 'I want you to cut through your feet.'

"Eww." Bryan made a disgusted face. "That's nasty. And it would hurt a lot too."

"I think I know whose done this to us..." Gordon stared straight ahead, remembering it all.

"Spit it out. We've got time to kill." Bryan replied sarcastically while looking up at the clock, which displayed the time 5:16.

"The last I heard...police still hadn't caught him. And the only reason I know that, is because I was their only suspect...I'll start from the beginning...ish..."

* * *

Dr. Gordon tells the story, I'll use flashbacks to show you...three figures(2 males and a female) descend through a trap door down a flight of stairs. The lighting is a bright green light that is strangely dark at the same time. The trio enters a small, cell like room, with a low ceiling.

One of the men(Murtaugh) is a tall black guy in his late forties-early fifties, the other guy(Riggs) is a Caucasian man also in his late forties-early fifties, with brown hair. The woman(Jenny) is Caucasian in her mid to late thirties with long, curly brown hair tied back into a pony tail.

As they move into the room, they see something that brings a look of shock among their faces. All but Jenny, who already knows about the situation. Behind a chain link fence filled with razor wire, is a large man caught in the wires, dead, and leaking blood.

"Holy shit!" Riggs' eyes are wide. "That is one fat mother fucker!"

"I know." Murtaugh nods in agreement. "Kind of like the dude in Seven."

"Gentleman, please." Jenny waved her hands in their faces to get their attention. "Victim's a 46 year old male. He started from the back of the cage and tunneled his way through, cutting him self on a consistent basis. He died of blood loss."

"No shit!" Riggs crossed his arms.

"We also found this." Jenny pulled out a zip lock bag with a tape player inside. Her partners turned to look at it. Then she played it:

"_Hello, Dan. You are a perfectly obese, insane, lower class male. Yet for the past month you ran a straight razor across your wrists. Did you cut your self because you truly wanted to die? Or did you just want some attention? Tonight you'll show me. The irony is that if you want to die, you just have to stay where you are. But if you want to live, you'll have to cut yourself again."_

a flashback shows Dan waking up in the cage looking around scared and confused. Then he screams "Ahhhhhh! I'm so damn hungry!" that's when he began making his way through the razor wire.

"_Find a path through the razor liar...sorry, wire. Razor wire. At three a clock the door to this room shuts, you'll be trapped forever. How much weight will you shed to stay alive, Dan? The reason I ask that, is because you'll be losing weight on your journey through the wire. It's great exorcise."_

Detective Murtaugh notices something on the dead body of Dan. He shines a flashlight on to his back, and sees a jigsaw piece cut out of the body. "Jigsaw piece. That's what we'll call him. Jigsaw Piece!"

"How about 'the jigsaw killer?' Sounds better. More professional." Jenny replied.

"You know nothing about coining killer names." Murtaugh said back "I have a degree in it."

* * *

"But the newspaper went with Jenny's name." Gordon clarifies back in the bathroom "They called him the jigsaw killer. Although technically speaking he's not really a murderer. He finds ways for his victims to kill themselves. Pretty cool huh?" he nods to Bryan. "I mean, it hasn't been done before. It's just so cool. Most killers just kill people, this guy actually has some logic behind it."

"If i had a watch..." Bryan started "...I'd be tapping it right about now."

"Oh sorry. So where was I? Oh right, they found another victim...Another awesome trap." Gordon's story continues

* * *

So back in the flashbacks, Detective Riggs is kneeled down over a charred corpse, completely blackened at another crime scene. Once again Jenny has a zip lock bag with a player in her hand.

"Ooh can I play it this time?" Murtaugh asks. "Pretty please?"

Jenny sighs, rolls her eyes, and nods "Fine." So the detective pushes 'play' and it does indeed play:

"_Hello, Alexander. If your so sick, then why do I have so many photos of you up and about? Let's put your so called illness to the test."_

In a flashback within a flashback, Alexander wakes up in the dark room. He is a man in his mid to late twenties with black hair. He is completely nude, and covered in some kind of Vaseline type ointment. In front of him is a safe, on top of it lies a tape player, a lit candle, and a box of matches. Alex looks around, confused. "Some fag stripped me...which I don't have a problem with. It just turns me on when I use that word." he giggles.

"_Right now there is a slow acting poison in your veins. The antidote is in the safe...the combination to the save...is written on the walls."_

On the walls around him are hundreds upon hundreds of numbers written in red ink. "Holy mother-fucking-shit-son of a bitch. I'm fucked...wish I could be by a guy." he grins.

"_Hurry up and program the combination in. watch your step though. The floor might be slippery. I just mopped it."_

"That was nice of him." Alex said

"_And by the way, that's a flammable substance smeared on your body, so I would be careful with that candle. Or all the people you burned with your act, just might have their revenge."_

Alex desperately walks around the room with the candle, looking at the walls, going back to the safe and trying out combinations, until he accidentally burns himself with the candle, thus becoming the charred corpse you read about earlier. "Now I really am flaming!" his last words are.

The trio of detectives are all stunned. "Wow...did you guys just imagine what must have happened in your head?" Riggs asked them "My vision was so cool. And kind of funny. Alex was a homo in my flashback."

"Guys. Seriously. Enough." Jenny stepped away from the two dumb ass cops. "I found a couple things." she walks over to the wall with numbers on it, where a hole in the wall is, light shining through. "There was someone standing outside here watching through this peephole. He was there at the last one as well. Only this time he left us his pen light." she hands the baggie with the pen inside to Murtaugh.

He studies it a little bit "Can I keep this? It's a nice pen. And the light is very useful." he studies it some more, playing with the clicking button.

"Roger, please. This is serious." Jenny put her face into her hands.

"I'm serious too. I'm always losing my pens and my flashlights. And i promise i'll take really good care of it."

"Err!" Jenny felt the urge to strangle him...so she did. She choked Murtaugh, and he tried to free himself from her grip.

* * *

Cutting to a hospital room, we see Dr. Gordon Pox in his white coat with three blue scrub, clad, medical students. A nurse in white stands off to the side admiring him, and another doctor in a white coat stands there holding a cane to support him self.

"Oh Dr. House, we don't need you right now." the nurse says to him.

"Fine. All of you suck anyways." House slowly walks out of the room, using his cane for support.

Gordon is going over the patient's charts. He goes over to the x-ray display, pushing the light on to view two x-rays of someone's skull. "This patient had an inoperable frontal lobe tumor extending across the mid line...thing. Started as colan cancer." he turns to look at the medical students, especially the nurse with long red hair. They both smile at each other. "And the patient's health is declining, yada-yada-yada."

In the doorway, a janitor pushing a cart of cleaning supplies stops when he sees Gordon and the students in the room. He is a tall man with brown hair. He looks into the room to see the patient lying on a hospital bed, asleep.

Gordon picks back up "The patient had..."

"His name is Tobin, Dr. Pox." the janitor interrupted him. He once again looks down at the patient, who is in his early sixties, hairless, or bald. "He's a very interesting person."

Gordon smiles slightly and raises an eyebrow. "I don't give a shit. This is an American hospital, not a hospital from another country. Get out of here you Michael Moore lover...and oh yes, thank you for that information, janitor...as y'all can see, our less important people form very special bonds with the patients."

the janitor stares back for a few seconds, a blankless expression, and then turns away and continues on his way. "Now where's that damn penny guy?"

Gordon resumes his topic "Continuing on with the patient..." but he is cut off by an intercom

"Dr. Pox. Dr. Gordon Pox, please page the operator."

"Apparently someone doesn't want me to tell you what the patient had. Who ever guesses right by the time I get back gets a free beer on me." he says before leaving the room. This excites the students in the room. They start thinking about it.

Gordon walks through the hall way of the hospital, and sees a doctor friend of his. He's a bald black guy, kind of chubby. "Oh hello, Dr. Turkleton. What unnecessary surgeries did you perform today?"

"Well..." Turkleton began "I gave a girl an extra set of breasts to attract double the men. I gave a man gills because he's inspiring to be a real life Aqua Man. And I gave a white guy my ass because he's jealous of how big black guy's butts are."

Then his three patients walked up to the two doctors. A dude with a big ass, a chick with four tits, and a man with gills, who also has a hole in the middle of his forehead.

"Why does he have a hole in his head?" Gordon asked his friend

"He was shot along time ago and survived somehow. It's a mystery really." Turkleton explained.

"It's true. The bullet went all the way through me and I'm still alive with bane dam though." the new aqua man replied.

"Bane dam?" Gordon asked.

"That means 'brain damage'." Turkleton explained.

Gordon nodded and continued on his way. He got to his office and opened the door. Inside Detective Riggs is sitting on one of the two chairs across from a desk, while Detective Murtaugh is studying the various framed degrees on the wall.

"Dr. Cox. I'm Detective Murtaugh, this is Detective-"

"It's doctor Pox, actually." Gordon corrected him.

"Right. Well we're with city homicide." Roger(Murtaugh) gestures to the degrees on the wall. "Very impressive."

"Thank you. I'm the best." Gordon walks behind his desk and sits down in his chair, whilst Roger sits down in the free chair across from him. Detective Riggs studies the doctor silently, chewing gum.

"Is that Polar Ice?" Gordon asked and pointed

"Extra Polar Ice." Riggs replied, still chewing.

"Sweet..." Gordon smiles...silence ensues, nothing said for several seconds. Just the two cops starring intensely at the doctor. Gordon begins to feel uncomfortable "So...how bout those Cowboys? They're having a pretty good season."

"They aint better than the Patriots." Roger replies in a defensive tone.

"Well anyways, how can I help you gentleman?"

"Are you able to tell us where you were between the hours of 11pm and 1am last night, doctor?" Roger asked.

"Uh...huh?"

"We have to ask you a few questions about it."

"Um...why? It's not like cheating on your wife is against the law...is it?" he asked, concerned.

"No. it's not about that. Everyone does it. I'm doing it when my shift is over. This is about something else." Roger replies.

"Then what?"

Roger reaches into his pocket and pulls out the pen light from earlier and pushes it towards Gordon on the table. "Is this your's, doctor?"

Gordon raises an eyebrow and picks up the pen. He looks at it carefully. "Uh...I think so."

"Your under arrest then." Riggs takes out his gun and points it at Dr. Pox

"What?" Gordon puts his hands in the air, and is scared for the situation he's in.

"Time to go cheat on your wife with people you don't want to cheat on her with." Roger gets his handcuffs out and locks up Gordon's wrists.

To be continued...

In my opinion that was much better than chapter one. Since Saw 4 is coming out, I got back into the mood to do this story. I'm gonna try and complete it by Halloween, i'd like to complete it by Friday(Oct. 26, 07) but that aint gonna happen. Hope you enjoyed and PLEASE REVIEW! I need reviews, i'm not getting any.


	3. The Device She Is Wearing Is Awesome

Chapter 3...

Dr. Pox is handcuffed, and Detective Riggs stands behind him, holding him sill. "What are you doing? You can't just take me in because you found something of mine at a crime scene. This is America, pals!"

"Ok then. But you still have to come down to the station." Detective Roger Murtaugh said.

"Fine." Gordon nodded, and Riggs removed the cuffs.

Now flashing forward in the flashback at the police station, in an interrogation room, Gordon paces back and forth nervously, now wearing his suit jacket. His lawyer sits at the table taking notes.

"So you have no idea how the show Prison Break is still showing new episodes?" the lawyer asked.

"Of course not, Gil. I saw an ad on Fox that said they broke out of prison. I mean what happened? Did they all get thrown back in prison again? That's stupid." Gordon said, looking Gil in the eyes.

"Well back to the problem at hand." Gil shuffled his papers "What WERE you doing last night?"

"I was E-IN ome un." Gordon mumbled

"Huh?"

"I was seeing someone ok?" Gordon looks to Gil, who looks sad. "Oh please don't give me that look. Your making it harder than it is to do this."

"Sorry. But you are going to have to give them your alibi. And me some money." Gil rubbed his thumb and index finger together, gesturing for some cash.

Gordon sighed. "I know...I know." then he pulled out a shot gun and blasted the lawyer away. "Merry Christmas you filthy animal!"

Back in the bathroom, Gordon looks upset and depressed. He throws his hacksaw against one of the pipes next to him. "I didn't really shoot him. But i wanted to."

Bryan looked to him "...What stopped you?"

"The fact I was in a police station." Gordon sighed. "It all happened about...some amount of months ago. I don't remember exactly because it wasn't that important to me. But Jigsaw did try and set me up for murder. That bastard-fuck!"

Back to the flashbacks, some time later, Gordon is sitting in another interrogation room. Riggs soon came in to the room and shut the door. "We checked your alibi. It holds up pretty well. Just not the part about you getting it on with ten women at once."

"Ugh. You cops have to find out if every little detail is accurate don't you? Geez. Can i go now?" Gordon asked, getting up out of his seat.

"We have one of the victims who managed to escape." Riggs continues, ignoring the doctor.

Through a window(two way mirror) a young woman with red hair in a ponytail, wearing a visitor's pass, is led into the room next to them. She takes a seat at a table. The detective that guided her into the room is Murtaugh.

"Would you mind sticking around and listening to her blabber on about her experience? You can have some pop corn while you listen." Riggs walked over to a microwave, which was cooking a bag of pop corn inside. The crackles could be heard.

"I'd like to help but there's new episodes of The Simpsons, Family Guy, and American Dad on tonight. And for some reason they aren't even showing King Of The Hill."

Riggs sighed. "You know what? Go ahead and go. It's really cold in here. I understand how you must feel."

"Thank you." Gordon picked up his coat, and headed to the door. That's when a wonderful aroma tugged at his nose. He turned around to see that Riggs had taken the bag out of the microwave. "That smells good. What kind of pop corn is that?"

"Poppycock." Riggs replied.

"Fine. I'll stay." Gordon walks aback to his seat and sits down. Riggs pours the bag of poppycock pop corn into a bowl and sets it on the center of the table, and joins Gordon. Both men reach into the bowl, but accidentally bump knuckles.

"Oh sorry." Gordon apologizes

"No-no. It's my fault. Your the guest, i should have let you go first." Riggs backs up to let him get the first taste.

In the other interrogation room, the woman sits with strange, scar-like markings along each side of her mouth. Her eyes are distant, never looking anyone in the eye. It's clear her mind is still lost somewhere within her nightmare.

"Misty..." Roger spoke "Tell us the first thing you remember about going to Disney Land."

a tear strained down Misty's left cheek. "It-it...it sucked. Disney World is 4 times better, because it's 4 times bigger."

"Thank you. I had to know cuz I'm taking my family there for vacation next summer. But if it sucks we could go somewhere else." Riggs writes down in his note book 'Disney Land SUCKS!!!' and he circles it.

Detective Riggs gets up and taps on the glass to snap his partner back to the main subject. "You wouldn't happen to know an instant cure for A.D.D would you?" he asks Gordon.

"Make an appointment."

"Ok so Misty, tell us about your horrible, life changing, fucked up experience that you had." Roger got his pen ready to write.

Misty closes her eyes so she can get a better vision of what she's trying to explain.

* * *

Now in her flashback, she awakens in a room with the same green lighting as Dan's cell. She sits in a chair wearing a strange iron contraption around her head, a bear trap-like device covering her mouth.

"I woke up. All i could taste was blood, metal, and tacos...since I had just burped and my lunch from earlier was still hanging around inside my body."

Misty's wrists are bound to the arms of the chair, along with her ankles. She tries to scream and cry for help, but the device on her head and over her mouth prevents her from doing so. 'I am so using this idea in bed someday when I get out of here.' she thinks 'That is if I ever get laid.' she sighs

but she soon realizes that her situation is very serious, and tried struggling to break free, but could not. A padlock and a timer is on the back of the contraption. Suddenly a television set next to her switches on, startling her.

After a brief moment of static, the frightening image of a demented clown-like doll appears. It's face white, with red spirals on it's cheeks. It's red eyes leer at Misty from the screen. The puppet spoke:

"Hello, Misty. You know me, but I'm not going to tell you who I am. It would ruin the surprise."

Misty has fear and confusion in her eyes as she watches the video.

"I want to play a game. Here's what happens if you lose." the camera backs away from the puppet, revealing the rest of his body. He wears a nice black suit and a name tag that says 'Hello, my name is: Billy' The video now shows a device that looks like the one Misty is wearing, only it is on a mannequin head.

"The device you are wearing is pretty awesome. It's hooked into your upper and lower jaws. When the timer at the back goes off, your mouth will be ripped open. Think of it as...hmm...I never really thought of a name for it. I'll work on it. Well here, i'll show you:"

the camera in the video zooms into the device on the mannequin head. Misty stares carefully at it. The timer ticks away, until SNAP! The device springs and the fake head is crushed and explodes. Misty shrieks and her eyes widen.

The video moves back to the doll and zooms in on him. "There is only one key to open the device. It's in the stomach of your dead cell mate. Look around, Misty. And you better know i'm not lying. I'd never lie to you, it's a sin. Now live or die? Make your choice..." the video goes to white and gray static, then powers off.

Misty begins to struggle like a crazy, out of control bitch, against her bonds and the chair. She manages to pull one of her arms free, then the other, and stands up quickly. That's when the chord at the back of the device is pulled out and the timer starts. She freezes and her eyes widen. She realizes her life is clicking away. She pulls and pulls at the contraption, and runs around in a circle...

* * *

back in the interrogation room, Misty sits sniffling. Gordon sits in the other room watching her with grim and amazement. He reaches to the bowl in front of him and gets a hand full of pop corn, followed by putting the food in his mouth.

"And then I saw the sexy dead guy. If he were alive I'd of told him to bang me." Misty continued her story:

* * *

back in the flashback, Misty walks slowly to a corner where the body of a man lies on his back. The timer continues ticking away, and Misty cautiously kneels down next to him. She reaches down and lifts up his shirt, revealing the Miller Lite logo 'Great taste...less filling' 'He has sponsors?' Misty asked in her head.

She leans over and picks up a small knife next to the body. She slowly brings it up in both her shaking hands, clutching it.

Suddenly the man on the floor opens his eyes and moans. He is unable to speak or move. He sees Misty with the knife, getting ready to dig into him. His eyes widen and he moans loader. 'Oh my god!' he thinks 'I'd hit that!'

Misty knows what she has to do. She stabs down again and again, and again. Blood splatters on to her hands.

The man moans and cries in pain 'I'd still hit that!' he thinks.

* * *

Back in the interrogation room, Misty is finding it difficult to continue on. Gordon is just stunned as ever as he listened to the girl. His jaw hung open, and his eyes real wide. "She has a lot of self confidence. She just assumes that guy wants to have sex with her."

then Riggs throws down an evidence baggie with a syringe in it. "He'd been injected with some kind of drug and couldn't move or feel anything."

"Do you know where I might be able to get some of that? I have trouble getting to sleep at nights." Gordon looked down, and then back up to the detective. "I'm worried I might get an imaginary friend like in Fight Club."

"There's a drug store on 742 Evergreen Terrace that sells it." Riggs replied

in the other room, Misty's head is hung, and she is still sniffling. "Could you hand me a tissue? I have allergies."

Murtaugh handed her a box of near by cleanex. "What happened after you took it off? Did he stare at your bra?"

"What? I don't think you've been listening to me."

"Uh...I was. Continue on with whatever you were talking about."

after glaring, Misty remembered some more. Thus I must take you back to the flashback:

* * *

so back in the cell, Misty has sifted through the man's stomach and pulled out the key. She searches for the lock on the back of the device, trying to unlock it. She can hear the timer getting louder and louder with each tick. She soon finds the key hole and unlocks it. Then she takes of the contraption and throws it to the ground where it opens up.

"Great timing!" she says with wide eyes, and a bloody mouth. "Hey...that was a pun. Cool." she smiled.

Suddenly from another corner of the room, a light comes on, revealing the puppet from the video. Slowly it wheels towards her on a tricycle with training wheels. The sticker name tag on the front of the puppet has worn away, and falls off on to the ground.

That's when Misty let out a loud laugh, finding the appearance of the doll to be quite hilarious. "Oh my god that's funny!"

"You probably find this very terrifying. But don't be afraid." the recording on the doll says. "Congratulations, bitch. You are still alive. Most people are so grateful to be alive. And now your one of them."

* * *

back in the interrogation room, Misty's head is shaking, almost like a slight series of spasms.

"You are in fact a chocolate addict. Isn't that right, Misty?" Murtaugh asks her.

Misty nods slightly but does not look at him.

"Do you think that is why he picked you?"

Misty lets out a sob, briefly nodding once.

"Are you grateful, Misty?"

she finally raises her head and looks into the detective's eyes for the first time. "He...helped me...lose my virginity."

"Oh...ohh k." Murtaugh nods and looks over to the mirror in Gordon's direction, although he can not see him, he knows he's there.

* * *

Finally back in the bathroom, Bryan sits in his corner staring down at the floor, as he had been listening to Gordon's story. "Wow...talk about a waste of time. Now we only half an hour before six!" he yells.

"Sorry...I don't know what I was thinking." Gordon apologized and smacked his face with his left hand.

"Hey!" Bryan called to him "I thought you were right handed."

"Oh. I am." Gordon then slapped him self with his right hand.

"Hmm." Bryan began to suspect him for some reason. "I say your the dude who wit done this to us!"

"Then why would I be chained up in the same room as you?" Gordon asked

"But you have information! You know who did this! So that means you must be involved!" Bryan walks forward, but forgetting that he was chained to a pipe, he falls forward on to the floor. He quickly gets back up, holding a glass shard that broke off the mirror earlier and mysteriously ended up right next to him. "Now you tell me what's really going on or I'll show you how dirty your face is in this reflection! Do you want that? Huh? Do you?"

Gordon rolls his eyes and looks away from him. "No wonder I'm supposed to kill him." he says quietly.

Then Bryan notices something in the glass. He flips it over, studying it. Then flips it back. Then he turns to the mirror on the wall. "So that's where this shard came from."

Gordon raises an eyebrow.

"Anyways. Where was I?" Bryan asked "Oh yeah. Do you want to see your dirty face? Do you?!" then Bryan notices something else while pointing the glass at Gordon. He can see through it. "Hey this is a two way mirror. That's cool. I was thinking about getting one for my house."

"Throw something at the mirror and break it open." Gordon told him

Bryan sighed "Fine...bossy." he muttered quietly. Then he bent down and picked up some of the loose padlock. He throws it at the mirror as hard as he can, instantly shattering the entire mirror. Tiny shards rain down and fall to the floor slowly, like snow flakes.

"That was pretty cool." Gordon nodded and grinned.

The two men both notice a camera with a red light behind a wall of glass.

A man in black is watching the two guys with a surveillance video on a silver monitor. He raises his hand with a black leather glove on it at them. He begins to sing "I don't wanna wait, for my life to be over! Yeah-yeah!" he dances around to the music that had already been playing prior to introducing him.

Back in the bathroom the two men continue staring at the camera. "So we're on reality TV?" Bryan asked. "Hasn't Fox learned their reality programs suck."

suddenly a small animal popped out a pipe in the middle of the room. It was a fuzzy, black kitten. It cried and cried.

"What the hell?" Bryan raised an eyebrow.

Then the door to the room opened and in came a small human figure. It was a little girl.

Bryan and Gordon gasped. They stared at her, and she stared at them. All three of them were shocked and surprised to see what they...SAW!

The End...

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

---

Just kidding...

To be continued...

Well there you have chapter 3. Hope you'll stay tuned for the next one!

And i don't like to ask for reviews, but this fic needs them. seriously!


	4. He Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea

Chapter 4

the little girl continued standing at the door way, and the men stared at her in confusion. The kitten continued to cry. "I found you, Darren Lynn Bous-cat!" the girl ran to the kitten in the middle of the room, though right beside the wall.

"Little girl. Could you go get some help?" Gordon asked her "We're trapped here."

the little girl picked up the kitten and looked to Gordon and said "...I'm not supposed to talk to strangers." and with that she skipped off out the door with Darren in her arms, and then closed the door behind her while saying "Games are fun, except when they're over."

Bryan couldn't believe that she just left without promising to return for help "If I ever find you after this I'm gonna take your cat and throw it in a dog pen full of pit bull's and rottweilers!"

"And kill your family." Gordon added

"And kill your family!" Bryan echoed loudly.

Gordon sighed and started searching the room with his eyes. "I think we should concentrate on what the tape said. It said we have to find an 'X.' So look around."

"Huh? You sure are calm for someone chained to a pipe in an old, disgusting, very large, bathroom with two dead guys inside." Bryan rubbed his chin, beginning to suspect his friend more and more about being involved.

"We're playing a game right now. And we have to follow the rules." Gordon replied, still searching the room.

"But he's got those two girls he mentioned on your tape. Not sure who they are since you never told me, but he's got them. Are you thinking about that?"

"Yes! Of course i'm thinking about that!" Gordon yelled, making Bryan shut up and stay still.

"There's no need to yell..." Bryan sat down in his corner, an leaned on the pipes beside him.

Gordon sighed and crossed his arms "I've been thinking about the last thing I said to my daughter..." and let the flashback's begin:

* * *

in the bed of a darkened bedroom lies a little girl(Makenzie) about 6 years old, with long, wavy, light brown hair. She lays tucked in with her eyes closed. Suddenly her eyes open and she sits up in bed. She soon gets out of bed and walks from her room and down the hall way.

It's not long before she reaches the room of her parents, and opens the door. Inside she sees her mom(Monica) sleeping under the covers in bed. She walked to the side of the bed and shook her mother. "Mommy?"

Monica's eyes struggled to open, but when they did open she realized her daughter was standing there. She turned on the lamp and got out out of bed, kneeling down in front of her daughter "Makenzie, honey, are you ok?"

"...There's a weird Harry Potter creature in my room." Makenzie replied, shaking with fear.

"Are you sure it's not something in your crazy imagination?"

"It talked to me. It said...'My precious' in a creepy voice."

"That's Lord Of The Rings, honey." Monica corrected her daughter.

"Oh. Sorry."

"I'll come check your room." Monica put her hands on her daughter's shoulders.

"I want daddy. He'll get the worst character ever thought up."

"All right." and so the two ventured into the living room where Gordon sat on the couch watching TV in his underwear. He had a bowl of chips in his lap, and a couple of Miller Lite beer bottles in his hands.

"You call that singing?! You suck, Simon." Gordon yelled at the television.

Monica and Makenzie stepped into the room to see him watching American Idol. "Gordy." Monica spoke "Sorry to bother you but your daughter had a bad dream."

Gordon just laughed, kind of like Peter Griffin from Family Guy. "Just gotta finish drinking some beers and TV, ok, Courtney."

"It's Monica." his wife corrected

"Oh sorry, I was watching Friends and Courtney Cox plays Monica. She's so hot...on that show. I love you, baby." he rambled in his drunken tone. "Courtney Cox, I love you. Your so hot, on that show. Everybody." he sang, wastedly.

"She wants you to check her room."

"I said, when, this, thing...stops." Gordon tried pouring beer into his mouth but missed the target and it spilled on to his underwear. "Oh fuck! Not again. This is my favorite undies."

"Gordon! Don't curse in front of your daughter." Monica quickly responded.

"I don't give a fuck." Makenzie shrugged her shoulders.

"Kenzie!" Monica yelled at her daughter and held up a hand, threatening to slap her. "Now lets go check your room." she turned away from her husband and headed out of the room with her daughter when they were called back.

"Wait!" Gordon shouted. He poured the rest of the beer down his throat and swallowed it. "God that's good! ok...i'm finished." he got off the couch and walked Makenzie to her room. He checked everywhere except the closet and tucked her into bed.

"Thanks for checking my room half-assed, dad."

"Now can ya go ta sleepy?"

"I'm still kind of scared though." Makenzie pulled the blanket over her head. For a few seconds she stayed under the covers, but got no response, so she lowered the blanket to see her father tip toeing towards the door. "Daddy..."

"Ugh. Fine. I know what will make you better." he turned around and took the lamp shade off her lamp. Then he placed it on his head and danced around and sang in a Rhythm similar to the Christian hymm 'Jesus Loves Me'. "I've gotta lamp shade on my head, this little dance makes bad guys dead. Now will you go get some sleep? Something-something that rhymes with 'sleep'." he finished his song and took of the shade.

Makenzie rolled her eyes but couldn't help to laugh at her father's drunken display. It was times like this that always made her feel happy, when her dad got drunk. He was quite the entertainer. Then she heard her dad's pager beep, exactly like the beep on Kim Possible. "I wish I had one of those things."

"Not till your older. Now i have to go to work, banging some chick. Get to sleep time." Gordon tucked his daughter in again. He kissed her on the forehead, smiled, and headed to the door.

"Your not gonna leave us, are you, Daddy?" Makenzie asked.

"What?" Gordon freezes at the door way and turns around. "What are you talking about?" he walks back to the bed "Who gave you that idea?"

"Well..." Makeznie started "You said you were gonna go to work on some chick and you have a shirt that says 'Leaver' on it."

"Well try to not think about that stuff ok? When you do that you don't have to worry about much." Gordon replied, in a very wasted tone. It's clear he's extremely drunk. "Good (burps loudly) night." he walked back to the door, turned the light off and pauses before leaving. He turned to his daughter and said "...Tomorrow...I'm gonna be hungover..."

Makenzie nodded slowly "...Okaaay..."

Gordon smiled and turned around to leave, smacking his head against the wall. "D'oh!"

* * *

now back in present time in the bathroom, both Gordon and Bryan are sitting in their corners against the pipes. Gordon was looking at his wallet, admiring some photos inside. "Would you like to see her?"

"Who?" Bryan asked.

"A photo of me and Shawnee Smith. I met her at the San Diego Comic-Con last year." he gripped the wallet and then threw it across the room.

Bryan picked it up and looked at the photo in the front. He saw Gordon with his arm around the actress Shawnee Smith, and her arms around him. "She's beautiful."

"I know." Gordon smiled

"Are you gonna go to any more Comic-Con's?" Bryan asked, looking up.

Gordon sighed "My wife and I talked about it, but with our schedule it was hard enough to go to one."

"So where's the other Comic-Con pictures?"

"There's another photo behind the one your looking at. It's my favorite one because I'm shaking hands with Stan Lee."

Bryan pulls out the photo, but it is not the one with Stan Lee. It's Monica and Makenzie bound and gagged. Makenzie holds bunny ears behind her mom's head. Bryan chuckled slightly and turned the Polaroid around to see a message.

'X marks the spot. Sometimes you see more with the light off.'

Bryan couldn't believe what he saw. "Uh..." he wasn't sure what to say. "I don't see the photo of you shaking Stan Lee's hand."

"Really? Throw it back." Gordon held out his hands.

Bryan hid the photo of Gordon's wife and kid behind his back and tossed the wallet over to the other side of the room. Unfortunately he didn't put much force in it, and the wallet only made it half way, landing on the body of the dead man. "Fuck!"

"Damn it! You son-of-a-bitch! I'll kill you!" Gordon yelled at his cell mate, standing up.

"Well trust me ok. The photo wasn't in there." Bryan reassured him. Then for the sake of the story to explain more, we enter another flashback...

* * *

Back to the exact point Gordon left his daughter's bedroom, he walks into the living room, while putting on some clothes and gathering some stuff, like his keys, and cell phone, and pager, and beer.

His wife, Monica stands by the door, her arms crossed, and glaring at her husband. "How can you walk through life pretending that your not always drunk?"

"I'm not dunk. I'm drunk. I'm not Michael Jordan you know." Gordon stumbled backwards, until he collided with the entertainment system.

"That is complete bull shit. Your always drunk. You don't care about us anymore. Ever since we met Shawnee and Stan, you haven't been the same."

Gordon sighed "Can we talk about this later?" he leans in to kiss her, but seeing double, his mouth collides with the door and kisses it. "Your lips are so dry. You could use some chap."

"Just leave." Monica said, firmly.

"Your just jealous cuz my lips are perfect." Gordon looked her in the eyes, and then stumbled out the door.

In Makenzie's room, she lies in her bed sleeping. When her closet door squeaks slightly open. This startles her, making her turn around.

"Good night, my precious." a man's voice said from the closet. His eye's peering through the crack. Then the doors burst open and Makeznie screamed.

Monica hears the scream and rushes to her daughter's room. "Makenzie?!" she got to the room and opened the door "Makenzie!" she gasped when she saw a figure wearing a Spongebob costume. "Hey! That's my daughter's!" she charged for the sponge wearing figure.

Spongebob grabbed a hold of Monica and forced her to the bed. "Now your gonna cooperate or I'll sing the theme song."

"Ok. Don't sing-don't sing." she placed her hands in the air, and so did Makenzie. The figure in the costume tied up and gagged the two girls to a corner of the bed. Then he stripped himself of the costume to reveal himself in a black coat, black leather gloves, and blue jeans. "Don't look at my face or it will ruin the surprise." he said.

The two girls nodded. Then miraculously they both broke free from the ropes that bind them and removed the rags from around their mouths.

"Get your asses tied back up! I'll sing the song. Are you ready kids? I can't hear you. He lives in a pineapple under the sea..." he stopped when the girls pulled out pistols from behind their backs and pointed them at him.

"Now it's your turn to scream, asshole!" Monica fired shots at the man, hitting him in the chest, and knocking him down.

To be continued...

Sorry that chapter was so short, but I felt that was a good way to end it, other wise I'd of kept going. Stay tuned...and Saw 4 here it comes!


End file.
